I don’t know what that is lol. Maybe that’s why I haven’t lost significant weight =))
My update thing-o is absolutely inutil, I didn’t even know you replied na -____- Anyway! HUH REALLY? :O Message me!!! I don’t eat people lol :))
I think you can naman, you just have to set your mind to it! It’s fun keeping yourself busy. ;)
They are a bunch of douchebags and I can attest to that every bit. But some of them mature din ah, thank God! Rare cases, but you’ll be surprised! Most of the time, though, it still doesn’t work HAHAHAHA.
Better thing to do girl is to be happy being single! Love yourself and the right one will come when you least expect it. ;)) That’s the one thing I’ve learned so much about being in a relationship with R. You’ll miss on a lot of things when you dwell too much on those that aren’t even worth your time and effort. I have to admit I feel lonely at times (and there are times when it’s about him), but there’s always a reason to get up. I have this “crush of the year” thing to keep me inspired. I may not have any chance, but it gives me all the more reason to take care of myself HAHAHAHA sounds lame but it super works :))
You know I love you for resurrecting my Tumblr and making me realize how stale this one’s become, and how I should really revive this. =))
I have been keeping myself busy! In fact, I ran for office just recently (although that didn’t work out well the entire school went into failure of elections lol), I’ve been appointed a pretty respectable position in the student council and I’ve been super active in my org which has been bearing some fruit! Apart from that, I applied for a minor and since I’m in my senior year, I have the law aptitude exams to think about. So heaven-blessed, I suppose I’ll be really occupied this year! In my idle moments naman, all I do is read or work-out (which I suppose is a little effective since my friends have noticed it yaaaaayyyyy!). I’ve been doing things for my own good, things I haven’t really enjoyed when I was still absolutely wallowing in sadness, courtesy of his douche-ry. At this point, I’ve realized how easy for me to excel career-wise and not in my lovelife, so wherever I’m best at, I’ll just stick to that. :)) (And I’m going to have my hair dye-d chestnut brown today!! So I guess I can consider that part of the ‘transformative’ process HAHAHAHA)
Although, I have to admit, I still love the guy. I forever will, in fact. No doubt about that. But I don’t want to force things na rin. As much as I’d like things to change, it’s all in God’s hands.
And GIRL, I think we all know how absolute scumbags they are there. I’ve had my partial share of such misfortune prior to him, though I wouldn’t know who NOT to date if it weren’t for him. So thank God for that as well. =))
But thank you so much for your concern, sweetheart! You are an angel. You should really intro yourself! I think we can get along well. ♥
I never wrote anything in Filipino that I publicly shared, but I’ll give my shot at it now because sometimes, it just seems so much more relieving to express in my own native tongue. Although, I’m not exactly good at it— as I never really was good in writing whichever language I choose— it’s about time to try. I’m sorry if you can’t seem to understand, but I’ll try to translate if you really want to know what it’s about. (I also apologize but I swear to update my cobwebbed Tumblr once I’m through with all the work I have to accomplish)
Ilang araw at gabing walang ginagawa kung hindi kumayod at maghirap sa gawaing pampaaralan— binubuno ang mga gabing walang tulog at kinakarga ang katawang ka’y bigat sa umaga para lamang maranasan muli ang dusa sa buong magdamag. Trahedya kung maituturing ang buhay na walang inatupag kung hindi ang eskwelahan ngunit sa puntong ito, eto lamang ang hinihingi ko— ang magpagod upang makalimot, upang piliting ibaon ang mga alaalang kahit kailan man ay hindi na masusulyapang mamuhay muli, at upang hindi maranasan ang sakit na dinulot ng nakaraan at ang hindi pagbalik nito.
Hindi pa rin ako nakasusunod sa panahon— sadyang nakapako ang buong pagkatao sa isang masayang pagkakataong naranasan na makapiling siya. Hindi ko matanggal ang aking piglas sa isang panahon na kahit minsan ay aking natikman. Kahit man pilit na pakawalan ang nakaraan at kalimutan ang lahat ng naramdaman, nagbabalik at nagbabalik ito upang yanigin ang akalang mapayapa at nanahimik nang puso. Bumabalik ang kirot, ang sakit na wala na ang lahat; na wala na ang dating pinanghahawakan, na wala na ang dating mundong ginagalawan, na kahit kailanman ay hindi na mabibitawan ang mga salitang nag-uumapaw ng pagmamahal at saya. Nagbubukas ang mga sugat na pilit hinihilom, at nagdurugo ulit ang mga ito ng lungkot at delubyong mas mahirap pang puksain.
Ngunit kahit nawaksi at nabura na ang kahit anumang pag-asang maibalik ang lahat, hindi ako sumusukong makita muli ang liwanag, ang ningning na ang lahat ay muling magbabalik-ligaya. Ako ang tanga, ang bobong humihiling pa rin sa Panginoon para sa isang himala. Na kahit mapagod ang Maykapal na dinggin ang mga panalangin ko, hindi ako mawawalan ng ganang sumuko. Kahit man isang siglo o milenya ang abutin, maghihintay ako. Maghihintay akong bumalik ang hiwaga.
In brutal honesty, I will have to admit, dear anonymous reader, that I am on the verge of flooding my eyes with tears that I never meant or intended to shed. I loathe the fact that after putting through so much effort in fighting my feelings and sentiments which have been so, so strong, I still cannot win the battle I’ve been struggling with for almost three years. In the circumstance I am in now, I have no other comfort but to write everything out.
You see, dear reader, I have really been doing all that I can to forget and move on with my life in free and high spirits. I have been re-channeling the “me” almost three years ago just so I can get through with what I am experiencing now. I have been pampering myself, and even releasing all my energies in academic and extra-curricular work and exercise, because in these methods I have always known I am going to get more than what I deserve. But I guess certain feelings, certain situations mutate into something much stronger that what I am doing now really doesn’t seem to be working.
And the more I try to fight it, the more I get much weaker and the more it hurts. I still love him, reader. I have loved him for so long, I have loved him with much devotion, and the biggest problem is I cannot stop doing so. He’s moved on, settled with somebody else, and it breaks my heart to realize that whatever prayer I offer to God, whatever solution I try to do to remedy my issues, it is not going to be the same as it was before. And I am so scared that it never will have its second chance ever again.
I really cannot stop myself from loving him, dear dear reader. I’ve learned to embrace his good side, and I have even embraced his imperfections. I have helped him become a better person whichever way I could, and I really was there both at his strongest and weakest points. Heck, I have even considered his family as the extension of my own— which really is the case because our families have been so tightly knit even before our parents were born— and I have revered them just the same. I have loved him so much, and I still do. I incessantly do. I have been trying to be the friend he wants me to be, but reader, I cannot just be friends with him. I am not used to it. I miss him so much— the way he was to me, the way we were together. I miss every single thing about it and it hurts so much more than I expected. And I know I pose a strong facade whenever he’s around, but the moment he’s gone and I’m alone, I contemplate and break down and pray to God for an ounce of miracle and a pinch of hope that in some way in the near (or perhaps, distant) future, the tables will again turn for the better.
I like seeing him happy, but as selfish as it sounds, I still wish I’m the reason. I really really wish things didn’t go the way they did. I wish he stayed. I wish we made this work.
Long story short, I am finding it so so difficult to move on. I cannot let go of the past. The dead still lingers and I don’t know why I still strive to resurrect it.
I have never gone this far to telling my story, and I hope I don’t sound obsessed or anything of the sort. I rarely let love in, but when I do, it knocks me hard and I can’t seem to get back up anymore. Sorry for the language, reader, but seriously, fuck this. I can’t take it anymore, I wish things will get so much better really really soon.
Making decisions is difficult. I have never done anything truly for my own benefit, and I guess the road is long and rough before I see the fruits of my effort. But I have to do that one thing I should have done a long time ago. Even if it pains me to do so.
I choose to stop resurrecting what never existed or what lived only in my head. I choose to admit the harsh truth that I was the only one, and there never was any other— that his promises and sentiments meant nothing at all. I choose to move forward, to live my life with no expectations or assumptions that one day he’s going to come back. I choose to re-channel what was lost in me; the self that I, too, have loved and appreciated. I choose to be happy… for me.
It’s a struggle, but I guess nothing worthy comes easily. All I have to do is to stop looking back, stop being idle and start living in the present as happily as I can.
This year is the year of change and I have the Lord for strength and hope. I can do this.